


The Cultist and the Pizza Guy

by firebrandtrickster



Series: Cultist + Pizza Guy [1]
Category: Game Grumps, Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Also maybe Possessive!Ryan, Alternate Universe - Demons, Basically shenanigans ensue, Brief mention of Jack, Demon-worshipper Ryan, Drunk Fairy Godfather Geoff (not actually a fairy), Drunk guy Geoff, GUESS WHAT SLOW-MO GUYS CAMEO, M/M, Pizza Guy Michael, Tags may change as chapters are added, cameos of other youtubers, lampshade guy is Joel, probably supernatural elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-03-21 05:22:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3679416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firebrandtrickster/pseuds/firebrandtrickster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based off of a prompt from Tumblr.<br/>-<br/>Michael was just a pizza delivery guy. He'd seen drunk people with lampshades on their heads do backflips to the door.<br/>He'd seen a British idiot who kept making up words.<br/>But never, ever has he met a man like Ryan Haywood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cultist and Pizza Guy meet for the first time

 It was the last house he had to deliver to for the week. The last fucking house. He'd already delivered to his drunk friend Geoff and a really nice bearded guy (his name was Jack.) He walked reluctantly onto the door step. It smelt of brimstone and blood and incense, and it lured him closer. What kind of person was behind that door? He took a deep breath in and rang the doorbell firmly.

The door opened to reveal the handsomest man Michael had seen in several months. He had neatly groomed hair and eyes of light blue that gleamed with secrets. The most troubling thing about the man, however, was the bloodstain that decorated the left side of his face. Somehow, it added to the man's features, making his blue eyes glow.

 In the background, Michael could hear Latin chanting. 'What the fuck?' was Michael's first thought. Then he looked around the handsome man and witnessed what appeared to be a Satanic ritual, red glow and all. The next thought in his head was 'Holy shit.' This was the weirdest pizza delivery he'd undertaken ever since the lampshade guy that did backflips to the door. The handsome man closed the door so that the only thing Michael could see was the man's bewitching features. Michael handed over the huge-ass pizza. "Have a nice day." Michael managed to stutter. " **You as well**." the man rumbled in a deep, rich baritone Michael could listen to all day. He handed over a substantial amount of cash.

Wrapped around the cash was a note which said, in thin letters:

 _First, my name is Ryan. Second, will you please go on a date with me because you are a cutie. Third, please don't say a word about that ritual you saw. I don't want to be persecuted._ Listed underneath was his phone number.

 Before the door swung closed, Michael stopped it. "I'll go out with you. Does 6:30 sound like a good time?" he found himself asking. " **Indeed**." Ryan the handsome guy responded in that lovely voice of his. "Ok. I'll see you around, I guess?" Michael said in cheerful anticipation. Ryan laughed a deep, hearty laugh. " **Yes, I'll see you around**." he agreed. And with that, the door slammed shut and Michael was going on a date. He needed to call Geoff and tell him the news, gently.


	2. Cultist and Pizza Guy gear up for a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically we have the calm before the STORMMM  
> (of the date)

Ryan was nervous, first of all. He paced back and forth repeatedly. " **I'm going on a date with a pizza guy. That's a first."** he whispered to himself. He decided to call Gavin, a cult friend of his.

" **Gavin.** " he spoke firmly into the phone. "Ry-bread! Wot are you doing?" was the enthusiastic response. " **I'm going on a date with a pizza guy.** " There was a pause. "... You're dating Micool, aren't you?" Gavin responded. " **Who?** " "Micool Jones. I know him. He delivers pizza to my house sometimes. I also worked with him on another job." Gavin answered. " **Tell me more.** " Ryan blurted without pause. "I would. First, I have to tell Dan you're dating Michael 'Rage Quit' Jones." Gavin fired back. Ryan heard a series of what one of the cult members, Miles, called 'dying bird noises' and then Gavin picked up again. "Dan! Dan! Dan! Ryan's dating Micool! The pizza guy!" Gavin spoke rapidly.  "Oh? The pizza guy? Hmm. Interesting." Dan stated flatly. "Wait.... are you going to fuck the pizza guy?" There was a highschooler-like " _OHHHHHHH!!"_ from Gavin and Dan. "He's going to fuck the pizza guy!!" Gavin screeched loudly. " **I'm not going to fuck the pizza guy. Goodbye, Gavin.** " and Ryan hung up. He sighed. 

-

Michael, on the other hand, was trying to find something casual to wear. He didn't know what to wear or do. It was a fucking mess. And then the door slammed open, revealing his drunk tattooed buddy Geoff. "What's going on here." was his flat reply from the kitchen. "Geoff, I'm dating someone." Michael explained hesitantly. "Or, at least, I'm going on a date with someone." he added quickly. "What do I wear? I don't have any formal shit! Help me here, Geoff! Be my drunk fairy wingman!" he explained once more. Geoff launched into action. "Just wear a t-shirt with a tie, I guess? And maybe get into the shower. My final tip: there's a magical invention known as a beanie. Not only does it make you look 'effortlessly chill and indie' as dicks, it also covers your messy hair. Use it. " Geoff rapid-fire assisted. 

-

Michael walked into the restaurant that Ryan had chosen. He was nervous as fuck. He looked pretty decent, despite what his thoughts told him. He walked towards the table Ryan was at. Ryan smiled a pearly grin. "I'm sorry for my outfit. I ran out of formal clothes." Michael apologized, rubbing his hand on his beanie. " **It's alright! You look perfectly fine. Come on, sit down and let's talk."** Ryan encouraged. Michael sat calmly. "Where do you work?" Michael asked. " **I'm a baker. All of the cult works at one bakery/cafe for college students. I like it, to be honest. The smell of freshly baked bread is really calming.** " Ryan answered. " **And you?** "  "I moved here from New Jersey a little while ago. Once I moved here, I got a job at a Pizzaria. 'Freddy Fazbear's Pizza,' it was called.  Had to work the night shift for a bit with this fuckin idiot. They had these _really_ fuckin' creepy animatronics that fucking moved on their own at night. And then I learned those animatronics actually  **killed** people. It sounds fake, but I have proof. Here." And he pulled out a slip of paper with the job article on it. 'Not responsible for injury or dismemberment.' the article stated. " **Hmm. Well, let's move onto another topic. I can tell that's upsetting you.** " Ryan assured.

And they talked for the rest of the night.

Both went home with a smile on their faces.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys want to think that Michael was a pizza delivery guy for Freddy Fazbear's Pizza,  
> then go ahead.  
> Be my guest.  
> If not, then that's ok.  
> It's one of those things that has literally no effect on the plot.  
> I literally just threw it in because of Michael and Gavin playing the first, second, and third Five Nights at Freddy's.  
> As always, if you want more chapters, please leave kudos and comments and bookmarks.  
> It encourages me.


	3. Pizza Guy meets the other Cultists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically Michael goes to Ryan's Bakery and meets the other cultists.

Michael woke up the next day with a bit of a headache and thoughts of Ryan. He'd found out so much about the demon-worshipping baker since last night. He decided to go to the bakery where Ryan worked.

-

As he walked in, he was charmed. The atmosphere of the bakery/coffee shop was pretty cool. Indie rock played on the speakers. There were college kids sitting everywhere, including one that had fallen asleep on the couch. The smell of freshly baked croissants and bread filled the air. And standing at the pastry counter was - "Ryan!" Michael greeted cheerfully. " **Michael.** " Ryan smiled. "I was meaning to ask you - could I meet the other members of the cult? A friend of you is also a friend of me. I promise I won't tell." Michael promised. " **That's making a bit of a commitment to the cult and to me. Are you sure you want this?** " Ryan whispered over the counter. "Yeah." " **Then follow me.** " 

-

Ryan led Michael into the backroom. Scattered around the room were a few guys and one girl. " **I'll introduce you. Guys, this is Michael. He's my boyfriend and may or may not be joining the cult at some point in time.** " " _Hi, Michael."_ was everyone's response.

Ryan points to all of them. " **These people are, in order: Miles,"**  Miles waved. **"Griffon,"**  Griffon smirked. **"Jon,"**  Jon shrugged. **"Aaron, "**  Aaron did nothing. " **J.J** ," J.J. laughed.  **"and Gavin."**  Ryan listed. "Wait.  _Gavin?"_ Michael looked at Gavin and Gavin looked back with a shit-eating grin on his face. "Where the fuck have you been, you fucking British idiot! I didn't see you after I moved up to pizza delivery! I thought you were still at night shift - I thought you were fucking dead!" Michael ranted. Gavin laughed. "Really? You thought I was dead? You do care, Micool!" Gavin realized.  Ryan looked a little shocked. " **Gavin was the guy you worked with?"** Ryan realized. 

"Yeah." was Michael's response. **  
**

" **Let's go back to the front of the bakery."**

"Ok. Bye guys!" 

The cultists waved.

-

As the two lovebirds talked to each other at the front, a engimatic stranger watched from afar. 

_'Ryan. It appears you found a replacement. We'll meet again soon enough.' the stranger thought._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always Kudos, Comments, and Bookmarks help get the chapters out faster!


	4. Cultist meets a familiar face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'And Michael could see Ryan tense up, see the anger in his eyes flare, see a monster beneath his exterior.'

_A few weeks later..._

Michael and Ryan were having coffee at the coffee shop/bakery once more, discussing old relationships. 

"So, I used to date this girl called Lindsay. She was nice, I guess, and it lasted a long time. Eventually, though, she said she wanted to take a break. She never came back." Michael recalled. " **That's rough."** "Did you have any old relationships?" " **I dated two guys. The first was Gavin."** Michael looked shocked. "You dated Gavin? What was it like?" Michael questioned. " **It was nice. He'd make tea and I'd read a book and we snuggled. I broke it off cleanly, saying that we should just stay friends. He was alright with that. There's no bad blood between us."** Ryan explained. "Who was the second?" " **... let's just say that's an old wound I don't want to open to you just yet."** "Ok."

As they talked, the door opened. "Mind if I come in? _"_ a voice unfamiliar to Michael inquired.

" **Sorry, we're closed. Pardon me, but..."** Ryan turned around and stared into a face he remembered from before.

Standing in front of Ryan was a lanky giant of a man with a messy, curly bush of hair on his head. He wore a leather jacket, and most disturbingly,  **he had horns of ebony curling around his ears.** "Ryan. We meet yet again." the man - no, demon smirked. " **Daniel. Don't you have another person to go torment instead of me? Leave us alone."** Ryan hissed. "Oh, Ryan. Don't be that way. You liked it while it lasted. How did that song go? ... Ah! Thanks for the memories, Ryan." Dan purred.

" **Go to hell.** " Ryan growled.

His eyes sparked with anger. It chilled Michael to the core. He'd never, not once, seen Ryan this angry before. "Ryan, I'm a demon. I've already been to hell! It's lovely." Dan chided. It was at this point that Michael realized.  _Holy shit. Demons are real._ Almost as if Dan had read his thoughts, the demon turned around and stared Michael dead in the eyes. "And who is this? Your new love? What's your name?" Dan asked.  _Holy shit shit shit what do i do what do i do._ Michael's thoughts raced and his heart beat like a hammer. "Come on. Don't be shy." Dan purred. Dan's eyes flashed amber for a brief minute. Suddenly, Michael found himself saying "Michael. Michael Jones." Michael's eyes widened. He wasn't in control for that brief minute. "You look quite charming.. We could be together, if you wanted to.. _Michael._ " Dan seduced. Dan strided closer, within an inch of Michael's face. 

And Michael could see Ryan tense up, see his anger in his eyes flare, see a monster beneath his exterior.

**"Touch him and I'll slit your throat."** Ryan threatened.

And you could tell he meant it. The bloodstain Michael had seen on his face when they had first met wasn't just for show.

**"He's mine. Not yours, not anyone's. Mine. And if you try and take him from me I will descend into the darkest, blackest pits of hell to get him back."**

Daniel stepped back and smiled a fanged grin. 

"Very well. I'll leave you both be, even though it pains me to do so." Daniel mocked. 

And Daniel disappeared into the night, leaving behind a very pissed-off Ryan and a very confused Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos, comments, and bookmarks get the chapters out faster.  
> Daniel is actually from Game Grumps, if you want to know. ;)   
> seriously tho if you haven't go watch Game Grumps. they're really good, if not a little problematic at points.


	5. Pizza Guy wants answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel leaves and Ryan is left to deal with the fallout.

"Who the fuck was that? Ryan, please, explain to me why exactly you used to date a scary-as-fuck demon." Michael pleaded.

Ryan looked away.

**"It's a long story."**

"I have time." 

**"Very well."**

**"It was a little while ago, really. I had just broken up with Gavin."**

-

Ryan sat at the bar, tapping the oak counter nervously. His thoughts were centered around Gavin. He still loved Gavin. But it had to be done. They would still be friends. 

He turned to the bartender, a man with a curly mustache and tattoos he still remembered.

-

"Wait. That's my friend Geoff! You went to the Oakenshield Tavern, didn't you?"

**"Yes."**

"I knew it!"

**"Please let me finish."**

**-**

**"Whiskey, please. I don't care what brand."** Ryan sighed. The man silently poured Ryan a pint. Ryan sat there in silence for a few moments, eyes closed as if in meditation. He drank, and drank, and drank. 

He stayed there late into the night, drinking. It was near midnight when the event that intrigued drunk Ryan happened. It didn't take much to intrigue an extremely drunk Ryan, but it still counts. The door slammed open, and in swaggered what drunk Ryan could only percieve as a punk rock god. He had a messy, massive bush on his head. He wore a leather jacket and was smoking a cigarette. He strode into the pub with a chill, cool air around him. The punk rock god seated himself at the bar, tossing his cigarette to the side. He turned to stare at drunk Ryan. Drunk Ryan stared back. "What're you here for? I come to this pub pretty regularly, and I never see you here." the punk rocker inquired.  **"Broke up with a guy."**  Drunk Ryan blurted as if belching out the words. "Oh. That's harsh, man. Come on, let me buy you a drink and let's talk." the punk rocker grinned.

-

"And that was Dan?"

**"Yeah, that was Dan. We sat and we talked for awhile."**

**"That was the first time."**

**-**

Ryan was at a music club this time. He stared at the stage, eagerly awating the next act. An announcer came on stage. "May I have the pleasure to announce the band  **Starbomb!** " he roared with enthusiasm. The curtain unfolded to reveal a insane-eyed ninja sitting at the drum set, a energetic man holding the microphone, and Danny. "Hey, we're Starbomb and this is our song 'Regretroid'! We hope you enjoy the show!" the energetic man shouted with zeal. 

Ryan stayed for the whole of the show. He marveled at how good Danny was on the electric guitar and vocals. 

After the show, he went backstage. Danny turned around to see Ryan. "Hey! It's you! Ryan! Nice to see you, man!" he burst. 

-

**"The third time was a little different."**

**-**

The cult prepared to summon a demon. For this ritual, they had chosen a higher-ranking succubus. "Are you sure about this, Ryan? What if it goes horribly, horribly wrong?" Miles pleaded.  **"Oh, I'm sure."**

They wiped sweat off of their brows as they began the ritual. 

Once completed, the pentagram glowed red as blood, and in the center there appeared...

"Ryan. Didn't think I'd see you here." Danny smirked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments, and bookmarks help keep updates happening!  
> Also, I might not be updating in a few days because of a wedding. Sorry, guys.


	6. Pizza Guy joins the Cult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ".. I'll do it. But I don't want any pictures of this on Facebook, or I'll kick your ass."

_a few weeks later_

Michael had decided to go down to the bakery/coffee shop once more. He'd been in a solid relationship with Ryan for a few weeks. 

Life was good.

-

As he walked in, he noticed something odd. Ryan wasn't at the counter. Instead, Miles was at the front."Where's Ryan?" Michael asked Miles in the most ungrumpy voice he could manage.

Miles looked away. "About that... I thiiiink you should go to the backroom." Miles suggested. 

_The fuck is going on here?_ Michael thought.

-

As he walked into the backroom, he noticed Ryan standing in the front of the room. Ryan was running his fingers through his hair and smiling.  **"Michael. Um.. I know that it might be a little tooo early, asking this, but please hear me out."** Ryan asked nervously.

**"I think it's best summed up by this:"** Ryan continued. He paused.

**"Will you please, please marry me?"**

He held out a translucent, gleaming gemstone on a long string.

"Does this mean I have to join the cult?"

**"Yes."**

"... I'll do it. But I don't want any pictures of this on Facebook, or I'll kick your ass."

-

"So, I just poke my finger and sign my name on this Faustian Pact? That's it?" Michael asked. **"Yeah."**

"So I am now officially a bisexual Satan-worshipper who's very existence pisses off ultra-conservative Christians?"

The two watch the blooddrop fall onto the pact, sizzling once fallen.

**"Noow you are a bisexual Satan-worshipper who's very existence spits in the face of ultra-conservative Christians."**

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter of Cultist + Pizza Guy, ladies and gentlemen!


	7. Cultist and Pizza Guy marry at last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan and Michael are joined in unholy matrimony.

Michael was sitting in the apartment with Ryan and his eternally drunk roommate Geoff. 

"So, Geoff, about that guy I was dating... Well, here he is." Michael motioned to Ryan. 

**"Hello. You must be Geoff? Pleasure to meet you. I'm Ryan."** Ryan greeted cheerfully. "Michael. What were you going to tell me." Geoff asked in a monotone voice. 

"First, we're getting married. You're gonna be the other best man." Michael started. "Isn't it a little early?" Geoff stated. "No." "Well, which cathedral is the wedding gonna be at?" Geoff demanded.

**"About that.."**

**-**

Michael had left. It was just Ryan and Geoff.

"So you worship demons."

**"Yes."**

Geoff walked up to look Ryan in the eyes.

"Know this: if I find out you have hurt Michael; whether emotionally, physically, or mentally, I will hunt you down and beat the crap out of you."

**"Ok."**

**-**

The time had come. Ryan and Michael stood in the backroom, with Geoff by Michael's side and Gavin by Ryan's. Miles stood in the front, holding a copy of the Satanic Scriptures.  **"Wait. Michael, are you wearing Converses?"** Ryan questioned. "It's my wedding. Fuck you, I can wear Converses if I want." Michael retorted. Everyone burst into laughter. Once the commotion died down, the unholy marriage ritual began. 

"Michael Jones, do you wish to be eternally tied to Ryan Haywood in happiness and in suffering, in life and in death?"

"I do." he beamed.

"Ryan Haywood, do you wish to be eternally tied to Michael Jones in happiness and in suffering, in life and in death?"

**"I do."** he mused.

"Put on the symbols of this bond." Miles instructed. Ryan tied the translucent gemstone around Michael's neck. Michael slipped a black stainless steel ring onto Ryan's finger.

"Know now that your hearts, souls, and minds are intertwined eternally even in death." Miles concluded. 

And Ryan and Michael at last kissed.

And Ryan knew he was going to hell, and he was going to drag Michael down with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed The Cultist and the Pizza Guy, ladies and gentlemen!


	8. Epilogue

_Elsewhere, in the 69th Circle of Hell.._

 

Daniel, the Archdemon of Lust, watched Michael and Ryan's unholy marriage ritual with anger flaring in his eyes. 

 **"I'M SO FUCKIN' ANGRY!"** he screamed with rage, tongues of flame streaming from his curved horns. He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "Let's call Ross. Maybe he'll help." he assured himself.

He grabbed his Hellphone and dialed Ross's number.

"Hey, Danny! What's up?" Ross near-shouted happily. 

"Ross, you shithead, get over to my place. Bring some junk food. We're doing the old-school Steam Train Sleepover tonight." Daniel hissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... this ride ain't over yet, assholes.
> 
> >:D


End file.
